A Piece by Angie Sayers

(from her blog on CaringBridge.com)

Hello, dear friends and family, I apologize for the long break between updates. I try to update once a week or so, but often I find myself letting my thoughts and feelings simmer, before attempting to put them into words. (Or just plain procrastinating, but the other explanation sounds better.)

Anyways, as for me, and my health, I am doing about the same. The Thalidomide doesn't seem to have too many side effects on me, except for some general weariness along with a couple of dizzy spells. However, in comparison to the chemotherapy treatments that I began with (high dose Cisplatin to name one), these side effects are definitely minor and manageable. The only other news is that I decided, after a lengthy inner battle, not to attend class this quarter at Ohio State.

I had considered it previously, but then decided to take at least one class, so that I would at least have something to do. But then on my first day of class, I had a dizzy spell, and I felt off for the rest of the day. I probably shouldn't have tried to go to class, but it seemed important at the time. Anyways, to make a long story short, I ended up running late to class, on my huge campus without knowing where exactly I was going and having a single, over-exerted lung, and a prosthetic leg and crutches on icy, slippery, walkways... I was pretty stressed out by the time I got to my class.

That episode alone wouldn't have been enough to make me drop, but when Mom came to me later that day, and mentioned that she'd probably rather me not go, due to the walkways, the snow, and the viruses and diseases going around this time of the year I couldn't help but think on how hard that day was, and agree. So I dropped my last class. I need a break from the stresses of school, and time to figure things out and breathe without having to worry about assignments and exams. But even knowing that, and knowing that I made the decision for multiple reasons, I still can't help but ask myself if it was the right one. Half of me, whispers in my mind, that I'm giving up, that I could have done it, that I should have done it... and half of me, believes that it was the wrong decision not to go this quarter. So then, back I go to square one, weighing the pros and the cons even while knowing that my choice has already been made.

I have one last thing to share with you, and that is a revelation that has slowly been dawning in my mind about what it truly means to keep going. When I was 15, after I was first diagnosed, I wrote an essay about the circumstances of my diagnoses, titled, “What it Means to Keep Going.” It wasn't the greatest essay ever, considering I wrote it while on chemotherapy, but I was reading it earlier today and I realized, that I know more about moving forward now, then I ever imagined I would back then.

So, I decided to try something different and compose a list of ten steps that have helped me move forward in the past. I'm not a professional and I have no claim to fame, but these are things that have helped me in my experiences and that I thought I would post on here for you to see. These steps can be used in all walks of life, during every hard time, whether a terrible diagnosis, or just a hard time in your life, where you feel lost. And while a few steps may apply more to some and less to others, I hope that everyone will find something useful.

But remember also, no matter what you're going through, that you will get through. No matter how hard it seems in that moment, or how bleak the future looks, time will move you forward against your will. Eventually you'll find that things don't seem as hard, or hurt as bad, and life will take on a new routine. And you’ll be okay. Or... at least that’s the way it’s been for me.

Love always,

Angie Sayers

TEN STEPS TO MOVING FORWARD

1. Cry, Yell, and Grieve: The first step can make you feel like you are taking a few steps back, but it is necessary. I think when something happens that reroutes your entire life and the direction you were going previously, it is normal to grieve and be sad. Because I believe that whenever you go through a difficult time, it changes you. It changes the way you think and perceive things, and the first step to acceptance of the new reality, whatever it is, is to mourn the past and the person you used to be. So, let yourself grieve for as long as you need to, and when you're able, you'll find the next step.
2. Talk When You’re Ready: Sometimes you feel like talking things through and sometimes you don't. When you're ready to talk, find someone who you can talk to as an equal and whose opinion you value, and pour your heart out to them. Sometimes, just having someone who cares and who is there for you no matter what, gives you the boost you need, to leave the first step, (even though you may still feel the need to grieve from time to time).
3. Escape When You Need To: but not too often. Sometimes life just takes a dump on you, and your heart and mind are too full to process things in a healthy way. In these moments, escape is essential; watch a TV show or movie, read a book, or veg out on the internet. Take a break from the things that are weighing you down, and come back to them later with a fresh outlook. But I caution you on escaping too often, because escaping never makes your problems go away, and you always have to deal with them eventually.
4. Start Small: If the big things are too overwhelming at any given moment, start small. Instead of worrying about a huge appointment next week that you're afraid might hold bad news (perhaps similar to where you just were) try to focus on smaller more attainable goals. Rather than brooding about the appointment, focus on your exercises, your chores, or even your homework assignments. You'll get there in the same amount of time, whether or not you worry about it.
5. Find Your Muse: Your muse is the source of your inspiration. Find the thing, or things, that inspire you the most, and absorb them into your world. These could be anything. For some, it could be their children, others music or nature, and for people like me, poetry or literature.
6. Reach Out: Interaction is an important thing in any person’s life. Reaching out doesn't necessarily mean telling everyone about your struggles, rather it means finding people you enjoy, and spending time with them. It can mean laughing and teasing each other, but it also means support. Maybe not support like that of step two, but support that lets you know that they care and that they're thinking of you. This kind of support is a bulwark that can bolster you through any storm. These are the people who know how to cheer you on, when you’re going through a hard time.
7. Channel Your Nervous Energy: Often you may find yourself stressing out and worrying. The best way to prevent this is to throw yourself headlong into another project, albeit a more relaxing one. For me, this usually means writing, scrap booking, or art work of some kind. I actually find that some of my best poetry is written when I'm trying not to freak out.
8. Help Someone Else: Helping someone else is actually a great way to help you deal with tough things that are going on in your own life. It may sound selfish, in an ironic way. But not only does helping someone through their problems distract you, it also fills you with a pleasant satisfaction. Plain and simple; it feels good to help someone else out.
9. Focus on the Good Things: If you go through life with a “woe is me” attitude, things can seem harder than they really are. Granted, I'm finding that optimism comes more easily to me than most, but I cannot help but feel that some optimism is imperative to dealing with any situation. By focusing on the good things in your life, you can muster up enough strength to hope. And I believe that hope is ultimately what allows you to move on.
10. Take One Day At a Time: This is one that you've heard me repeat time and time again on here. We spend so much time worrying about things that are so far in the future, that we miss the things that are happening in the moment. Even if the moment you are in seems difficult, and there are things upon the horizon that seem even more difficult, it is important to focus on the moment you are in. We can't worry about things that haven't happened yet, or that may or may not happen. If you must worry, worry about the day you are in, and worry about tomorrow, well, tomorrow.

This article posted as written in  A Piece by Angie Sayers (http://downloads.chickensoup.com/file/CSS_Angie_Sayers.pdf).