Breaking Bad Habit Recipe

You'll need just 5 ingredients for your habit change recipe.

Published on December 28, 2011 by Meg Selig in Changepower

Despite their bad press, New Year's resolutions are surprisingly effective.  So make one!  You can whip up a successful resolution from just 5 simple ingredients.  Moreover, you can combine these ingredients in your own way to create a delicious and satisfying result.  So grab a recipe card or just print out this blog and fill in the blanks.  Here are your 5 essentials for resolution success:

1.  Figure out your goal.  Your goal is WHAT you desire to change.   What would make your life healthier, more enjoyable, more fulfilling, more purposeful, or more connected to the things that are truly important to you?  Find something that excites you.    

You could decide to:

• Clean out one junk drawer as the first step towards a better-organized home.
• Donate blood every 2 months. 
• Practice listening without giving advice or interrupting.
• Walk in place during TV commercials for one program per night.
• Lose 10 pounds in a healthy way.  

Write down your goal here:  _________________.  (Does your goal feel too big and overwhelming?  Cut it down into a series of mini-goals.  The first one could be _____.)

2.  Decide on your motivator.  WHY do you want to change?  I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to have a personal reason for change (your motivator) that you've freely chosen and that is meaningful for you.  When your willpower falters, think about your motivator and get a fresh burst of energy on your change project.

Write down your motivator--your reason for change--here: _____________________.

3.  Make a resolution to change.  Deciding to change may be the key to successful habit change success.  In a study of New Year's resolvers, psychologist John Norcross discovered that people who actively made specific resolutions to change were 10 times more likely to stay on target with their changes 6 months out than were people who wanted to change but didn't make specific resolutions.

Make an inner vow and then write it down:   ______________________.

4.  Make a plan.  HOW will you change?   People who make specific plans are more likely to change successfully than those who don't plan.   After you make your plan, ask yourself, "OK, what will I do differently tomorrow/this week?"  If you can't answer this question, re-do your plan.  Your plan needs to give you specific guidance on getting to your goal.   Ask yourself:  WHO could help me?  HOW could I change my surroundings to bolster my change?

To get to my goal, I will do the following:  ____________________________.

5.  Rebound from relapse with a "growth mindset." What can you learn WHEN you have a setback?  Notice I wrote "WHEN" you stumble, not IF you stumble.  Research shows that slips and even relapses are a part of successful change.  It's the rare person who can change successfully first time around.  Decide how you will encourage yourself WHEN you make a mistake. Self-compassion will help you more than lashing out at yourself with guilt and shame messages.

When I have a setback, I will encourage myself by reminding myself that _______________.  I could also take the following actions to prevent lapses and relapses: _____________________.   When I stumble, I could alter my plan like this:  ________.

OK, so all these steps are more easily written than done. Hey, I promised "simple" and "effective," but I didn't say "quick" or "easy!" Still, now you've got your personal recipe for success on a 4 x 6 card.  Keep it in your purse or pocket.  Practice makes perfect, so REPEAT your success formula over and over. 

Ingredients summary:

• 1 goal
• 1 motivator
• 1 resolution
• 1 plan
• 1 growth mindset

Total time:  One lifetime.

Yield: Stronger willpower, personal satisfaction, health, and happiness.

© Meg Selig.  All rights reserved.

I'm the author of Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success (Routledge, 2009). For entertaining and helpful messages about habit change, willpower, and motivation, follow me on facebook or twitter (@megselig1).

Sources:

• Selig, M. Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success (2009), NY: Routledge.
• "Self-compassion."  Parker-Pope, T. "Well: Go Easy on Yourself, A New Wave of Research Urges." http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?emc=eta1
• Prochaska, J. et al, Changing for Good (1994), NY: Avon.
• "Growth mindset." Dweck, C. Mindset (2006), NY: Ballantine Books.

As copied from Psychology Today.

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Breaking Bad Habits from Your Inner Critic

When it comes to changing, you can be your own worst enemy

Published on November 14, 2012 by Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. in Compassion Matters

"I'm sooo fat," said a small voice from the corner of my bedroom. I peeked my head out from behind my closet door to see who was responsible for the self-deprecating comment. My eyes lowered to behold the frail figure of my 5-year-old niece staring solemnly into my full-length mirror. Comments like these, although draining, have become sadly second-nature coming from adult friends and relatives but coming from a thin, young child, the words were much more unsettling. Surely, no one had ever told her she was fat. So why was she internalizing such mean, not to mention distorted, thoughts?

Though we'd all like to think of childhood as a time in which we are blissfully free of self-consciousness and self-deprecation, this is never the case. Ask any child if he or she ever thinks bad thoughts about him or herself and, I assure you, you'll be shocked to hear the response.

"I'm so ugly. My hair makes me ugly; it's so frizzy and big," a friend's 6-year-old daughter stuttered through giant sobs.

"I'm scared I'm not going to get the answers fast enough. I'm not as smart as the other kids," another friend of mine's 10-year-old son confided in me.

Disturbing as it is to hear our children utter such cruel statements toward themselves, how can we not feel slightly guilty for the example we have set for them? It's painful to recognize how oblivious we can be to our own self-critical attitudes. And our inner critic can be especially cruel when it comes to goals we set for ourselves, habits we want to break, or ways we want to change. As the holiday season and new year approaches, it is invaluable to take the time to look at why we are so self-deprecating and what we can do to rid ourselves of our own distorted self-perceptions. By doing so, we give ourselves the opportunity to differentiate from negative influences from our own pasts and childhoods and to live free from imagined limitations.

Step One: Identifying Our Critical Inner Voices

In my blog "Evicting the Obnoxious Roommate Living in Your Head" I introduced the concept of the critical inner voice, an internalized critic that comments on our every action. These comments are not usually experienced as an actual voice speaking to us but rather as a thought process that casually yet ruthlessly puts us down and sabotages our successes. For example, a person trying to lose weight may hear attacks like, "You're so fat. You'll never lose weight. You should just give up." A person trying to build up the courage to ask someone to go out on a date may hear voices like, "You're such a loser. He/She would never go out with you. Don't even ask; you'll just embarrass yourself."

For 30 years my father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone, and I have studied the critical inner voice and have been amazed at how prevalent it is in people's lives. Most everyone I've encountered has related to the concept of the inner voice and been able to identify how it has interfered with a specific area of their lives.

In order to combat this inner critic, it is essential that you identify it. In what situations does it arise? What actions make it louder? What is your voice telling you about yourself? Your relationships? Your children? Your job?

Does your voice sound mean and angry, directly attacking you like: You're not like other people. You're unattractive. You're stupid. No one will ever really care about you?

Does your voice sound gentle and self-soothing, tricking you with: Don't worry; you're just fine on your own. See? You don't need anybody. Have that second piece of cake. You deserve it. One more drink will make you feel so much better?

The voice can be brutal and obvious but it can also be deceptive and difficult to recognize, as it entices you to act against your goals. But when you do, it then punishes you for the very actions it encouraged you to take.

Think about the situations that provoke your voices. What are the specific things they are telling you at those times? What negative result do these thoughts seem to desire? As you identify these voices, it is helpful to write them down. First, write them in the first person, as "I" statements. For example, you may have thoughts like:

I am never going to get that promotion. 

She's going to leave me. 

I'm a terrible mother.

Then, write these same statements in the second person ("You" statements) as if someone is talking to you. For example, you would write:

You are never going to get that promotion. 

She's going to leave you. 

You're a terrible mother.

This exercise will help you see the voice for what it is, a sadistic enemy, and you can stop regarding these attacks as true statements about who you really are.

Step Two: Countering Our Critical Inner Voice

Once you identify your critical inner voice, you will be better able to combat it. After writing your voices as "you" statements, you can then respond to them from a more realistic and compassionate point of view. For example, you may respond to the above statements by writing things like: 

I may make mistakes once in a while, but I'm working hard and doing a good job. 

I'm not perfect, but I care about my relationship, and I'm a good choice. 

I have a lot of positive qualities as a mother, and I can work on changing anything about myself that I don't like.

The intention of this exercise is not to build yourself up or boost your ego. Rather, it is intended to place you in a more realistic mindset and separate you from the distorted attitudes of your inner critic. In our book, Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, my father and I explain how these voices specifically interfere with various areas of people's lives and present further exercises to help combat these destructive thought processes.

The most powerful way to combat your critical inner voice is with your actions. Try as it may to influence you, you can defeat the voice because you have the ultimate control of your actions. By not heeding its advice and ignoring what it is telling you about yourself and other people, you are evicting your obnoxious roommate and removing it from your life. By taking actions like taking care of yourself, looking your best, staying vulnerable in your close relationships or going after career success you will counter your critical inner voice.

As you make these changes, be wary of the fact that challenging this thought process will initially make the thoughts more powerful. A good way to think of this is to imagine these thoughts as a monster. The more you feed it, the bigger and stronger it becomes. However, if you starve it, the monster at first will become even angrier and will put up a struggle. However, if you continue to ignore and "starve" the monster, gradually it will fade away. The same goes for self-critical thought processes. The more you ignore them, the louder they will roar, but if you stand up to them, eventually they will be defeated.

Copied from Psychology Today.

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Breaking Bad Habits

Prevention and social engineering may help combat bad habits.

Published on November 18, 2012 by Thomas G. Plante, Ph.D., ABPP in Do the Right Thing

The best strategy to break a bad habit such as smoking, eating too much, drinking excessively, gambling, shopping excessively, and so forth is to not develop the habit in the first place! I know...easier said than done but prevention is really the very best way to avoid the formation of bad habits. As problematic habits unfold nipping them in the bud in the spirit of prevention is so very important if you can do it.

However, for so many people the train has already left the station and the bad habit is now fully formed and causing all sorts of troubles and distress. So now what? What do you do once these habits have solidified? Most people rely on willpower and motivation. This is a big mistake in my view since willpower and motivation vacillate and are totally unreliable day to day and over time. We really need to let go of the use of willpower and motivation to deal with long standing bad habits. It just doesn't work for the long term. Rather, we should use social engineering which is a much better strategy for sure. Basically, can you create an environment for yourself that forces you to change behavior for the better? Can you socially engineer your bad habits out of existence?

Let’s take a few examples. Perhaps you are a couch potato and don’t exercise much if at all. If you get an active and fairly large dog that needs to get walks in everyday it will force you to take lots and lots of walks. If you struggle with eating too many problem foods at home you can work to keep the challenging food items out of the house. If you struggle with internet pornography use you can put filters on your computer. None of these solutions are perfect or easy but if you put enough barriers in place (especially those that you can’t dismantle very easily) you are likely to make good progress over time on your bad habits.

The problem with changing bad habits for most people is that they rely way too much on motivation and will power when they should be focusing more on prevention and social engineering strategies. 

So, what do you think? 

Copied from Psychology Today.

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