Breaking Bad Habit Recipe

You'll need just 5 ingredients for your habit change recipe.

Published on December 28, 2011 by Meg Selig in Changepower

Despite their bad press, New Year's resolutions are surprisingly effective.  So make one!  You can whip up a successful resolution from just 5 simple ingredients.  Moreover, you can combine these ingredients in your own way to create a delicious and satisfying result.  So grab a recipe card or just print out this blog and fill in the blanks.  Here are your 5 essentials for resolution success:

1.  Figure out your goal.  Your goal is WHAT you desire to change.   What would make your life healthier, more enjoyable, more fulfilling, more purposeful, or more connected to the things that are truly important to you?  Find something that excites you.    

You could decide to:

• Clean out one junk drawer as the first step towards a better-organized home.
• Donate blood every 2 months. 
• Practice listening without giving advice or interrupting.
• Walk in place during TV commercials for one program per night.
• Lose 10 pounds in a healthy way.  

Write down your goal here:  _________________.  (Does your goal feel too big and overwhelming?  Cut it down into a series of mini-goals.  The first one could be _____.)

2.  Decide on your motivator.  WHY do you want to change?  I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to have a personal reason for change (your motivator) that you've freely chosen and that is meaningful for you.  When your willpower falters, think about your motivator and get a fresh burst of energy on your change project.

Write down your motivator--your reason for change--here: _____________________.

3.  Make a resolution to change.  Deciding to change may be the key to successful habit change success.  In a study of New Year's resolvers, psychologist John Norcross discovered that people who actively made specific resolutions to change were 10 times more likely to stay on target with their changes 6 months out than were people who wanted to change but didn't make specific resolutions.

Make an inner vow and then write it down:   ______________________.

4.  Make a plan.  HOW will you change?   People who make specific plans are more likely to change successfully than those who don't plan.   After you make your plan, ask yourself, "OK, what will I do differently tomorrow/this week?"  If you can't answer this question, re-do your plan.  Your plan needs to give you specific guidance on getting to your goal.   Ask yourself:  WHO could help me?  HOW could I change my surroundings to bolster my change?

To get to my goal, I will do the following:  ____________________________.

5.  Rebound from relapse with a "growth mindset." What can you learn WHEN you have a setback?  Notice I wrote "WHEN" you stumble, not IF you stumble.  Research shows that slips and even relapses are a part of successful change.  It's the rare person who can change successfully first time around.  Decide how you will encourage yourself WHEN you make a mistake. Self-compassion will help you more than lashing out at yourself with guilt and shame messages.

When I have a setback, I will encourage myself by reminding myself that _______________.  I could also take the following actions to prevent lapses and relapses: _____________________.   When I stumble, I could alter my plan like this:  ________.

OK, so all these steps are more easily written than done. Hey, I promised "simple" and "effective," but I didn't say "quick" or "easy!" Still, now you've got your personal recipe for success on a 4 x 6 card.  Keep it in your purse or pocket.  Practice makes perfect, so REPEAT your success formula over and over. 

Ingredients summary:

• 1 goal
• 1 motivator
• 1 resolution
• 1 plan
• 1 growth mindset

Total time:  One lifetime.

Yield: Stronger willpower, personal satisfaction, health, and happiness.

© Meg Selig.  All rights reserved.

I'm the author of Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success (Routledge, 2009). For entertaining and helpful messages about habit change, willpower, and motivation, follow me on facebook or twitter (@megselig1).

Sources:

• Selig, M. Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success (2009), NY: Routledge.
• "Self-compassion."  Parker-Pope, T. "Well: Go Easy on Yourself, A New Wave of Research Urges." http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?emc=eta1
• Prochaska, J. et al, Changing for Good (1994), NY: Avon.
• "Growth mindset." Dweck, C. Mindset (2006), NY: Ballantine Books.

As copied from Psychology Today.

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Breaking Bad Habits from Your Inner Critic

When it comes to changing, you can be your own worst enemy

Published on November 14, 2012 by Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. in Compassion Matters

"I'm sooo fat," said a small voice from the corner of my bedroom. I peeked my head out from behind my closet door to see who was responsible for the self-deprecating comment. My eyes lowered to behold the frail figure of my 5-year-old niece staring solemnly into my full-length mirror. Comments like these, although draining, have become sadly second-nature coming from adult friends and relatives but coming from a thin, young child, the words were much more unsettling. Surely, no one had ever told her she was fat. So why was she internalizing such mean, not to mention distorted, thoughts?

Though we'd all like to think of childhood as a time in which we are blissfully free of self-consciousness and self-deprecation, this is never the case. Ask any child if he or she ever thinks bad thoughts about him or herself and, I assure you, you'll be shocked to hear the response.

"I'm so ugly. My hair makes me ugly; it's so frizzy and big," a friend's 6-year-old daughter stuttered through giant sobs.

"I'm scared I'm not going to get the answers fast enough. I'm not as smart as the other kids," another friend of mine's 10-year-old son confided in me.

Disturbing as it is to hear our children utter such cruel statements toward themselves, how can we not feel slightly guilty for the example we have set for them? It's painful to recognize how oblivious we can be to our own self-critical attitudes. And our inner critic can be especially cruel when it comes to goals we set for ourselves, habits we want to break, or ways we want to change. As the holiday season and new year approaches, it is invaluable to take the time to look at why we are so self-deprecating and what we can do to rid ourselves of our own distorted self-perceptions. By doing so, we give ourselves the opportunity to differentiate from negative influences from our own pasts and childhoods and to live free from imagined limitations.

Step One: Identifying Our Critical Inner Voices

In my blog "Evicting the Obnoxious Roommate Living in Your Head" I introduced the concept of the critical inner voice, an internalized critic that comments on our every action. These comments are not usually experienced as an actual voice speaking to us but rather as a thought process that casually yet ruthlessly puts us down and sabotages our successes. For example, a person trying to lose weight may hear attacks like, "You're so fat. You'll never lose weight. You should just give up." A person trying to build up the courage to ask someone to go out on a date may hear voices like, "You're such a loser. He/She would never go out with you. Don't even ask; you'll just embarrass yourself."

For 30 years my father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone, and I have studied the critical inner voice and have been amazed at how prevalent it is in people's lives. Most everyone I've encountered has related to the concept of the inner voice and been able to identify how it has interfered with a specific area of their lives.

In order to combat this inner critic, it is essential that you identify it. In what situations does it arise? What actions make it louder? What is your voice telling you about yourself? Your relationships? Your children? Your job?

Does your voice sound mean and angry, directly attacking you like: You're not like other people. You're unattractive. You're stupid. No one will ever really care about you?

Does your voice sound gentle and self-soothing, tricking you with: Don't worry; you're just fine on your own. See? You don't need anybody. Have that second piece of cake. You deserve it. One more drink will make you feel so much better?

The voice can be brutal and obvious but it can also be deceptive and difficult to recognize, as it entices you to act against your goals. But when you do, it then punishes you for the very actions it encouraged you to take.

Think about the situations that provoke your voices. What are the specific things they are telling you at those times? What negative result do these thoughts seem to desire? As you identify these voices, it is helpful to write them down. First, write them in the first person, as "I" statements. For example, you may have thoughts like:

I am never going to get that promotion. 

She's going to leave me. 

I'm a terrible mother.

Then, write these same statements in the second person ("You" statements) as if someone is talking to you. For example, you would write:

You are never going to get that promotion. 

She's going to leave you. 

You're a terrible mother.

This exercise will help you see the voice for what it is, a sadistic enemy, and you can stop regarding these attacks as true statements about who you really are.

Step Two: Countering Our Critical Inner Voice

Once you identify your critical inner voice, you will be better able to combat it. After writing your voices as "you" statements, you can then respond to them from a more realistic and compassionate point of view. For example, you may respond to the above statements by writing things like: 

I may make mistakes once in a while, but I'm working hard and doing a good job. 

I'm not perfect, but I care about my relationship, and I'm a good choice. 

I have a lot of positive qualities as a mother, and I can work on changing anything about myself that I don't like.

The intention of this exercise is not to build yourself up or boost your ego. Rather, it is intended to place you in a more realistic mindset and separate you from the distorted attitudes of your inner critic. In our book, Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, my father and I explain how these voices specifically interfere with various areas of people's lives and present further exercises to help combat these destructive thought processes.

The most powerful way to combat your critical inner voice is with your actions. Try as it may to influence you, you can defeat the voice because you have the ultimate control of your actions. By not heeding its advice and ignoring what it is telling you about yourself and other people, you are evicting your obnoxious roommate and removing it from your life. By taking actions like taking care of yourself, looking your best, staying vulnerable in your close relationships or going after career success you will counter your critical inner voice.

As you make these changes, be wary of the fact that challenging this thought process will initially make the thoughts more powerful. A good way to think of this is to imagine these thoughts as a monster. The more you feed it, the bigger and stronger it becomes. However, if you starve it, the monster at first will become even angrier and will put up a struggle. However, if you continue to ignore and "starve" the monster, gradually it will fade away. The same goes for self-critical thought processes. The more you ignore them, the louder they will roar, but if you stand up to them, eventually they will be defeated.

Copied from Psychology Today.

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Breaking Bad Habits

Prevention and social engineering may help combat bad habits.

Published on November 18, 2012 by Thomas G. Plante, Ph.D., ABPP in Do the Right Thing

The best strategy to break a bad habit such as smoking, eating too much, drinking excessively, gambling, shopping excessively, and so forth is to not develop the habit in the first place! I know...easier said than done but prevention is really the very best way to avoid the formation of bad habits. As problematic habits unfold nipping them in the bud in the spirit of prevention is so very important if you can do it.

However, for so many people the train has already left the station and the bad habit is now fully formed and causing all sorts of troubles and distress. So now what? What do you do once these habits have solidified? Most people rely on willpower and motivation. This is a big mistake in my view since willpower and motivation vacillate and are totally unreliable day to day and over time. We really need to let go of the use of willpower and motivation to deal with long standing bad habits. It just doesn't work for the long term. Rather, we should use social engineering which is a much better strategy for sure. Basically, can you create an environment for yourself that forces you to change behavior for the better? Can you socially engineer your bad habits out of existence?

Let’s take a few examples. Perhaps you are a couch potato and don’t exercise much if at all. If you get an active and fairly large dog that needs to get walks in everyday it will force you to take lots and lots of walks. If you struggle with eating too many problem foods at home you can work to keep the challenging food items out of the house. If you struggle with internet pornography use you can put filters on your computer. None of these solutions are perfect or easy but if you put enough barriers in place (especially those that you can’t dismantle very easily) you are likely to make good progress over time on your bad habits.

The problem with changing bad habits for most people is that they rely way too much on motivation and will power when they should be focusing more on prevention and social engineering strategies. 

So, what do you think? 

Copied from Psychology Today.

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#10)

By Robert Holden

Day 10: Finding Where You Are

Lesson: "This place where you are right now. God circled on a map for you." — Hafiz

The internal obstacles to being yourself are the same as the obstacles to living fully in the world. You negate yourself by telling yourself that your presence doesn't really matter; nobody wants to hear what you have to say; your vote doesn't really make a difference; and other people are somehow more important than you.

Self-acceptance deeply affirms your true essence, wishing you well in every situation you may find yourself. By giving yourself permission to stand in your truth, you can show up more fully in your life. You can take the risk of being you in order to find out who that really is. Self-acceptance allows you to be just yourself. Not your self-image, but the original you that came to be with us here on earth.

Exercise: Self-acceptance is the start of something wonderful. I describe it as a revelation because you can't possibly know beforehand how good your life will get once you start to experience a deep love for yourself, maybe even for the first time. This deep love reveals a perfect wholeness that cannot be destroyed by any experience in this world.

Rejoice in this mantra: "I am here." The more present you are, the more whole you feel inside. Notice how wonderful it feels to be deeply present in your body and in your life. With self-acceptance, you feel at home in your body, an open road appears before you, and a new journey begins.

Now that you've finished the 10-day plan, take the self-acceptance test again to see your progress.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter.

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#9)

By Robert Holden

Day 9: Knowing Your Strengths

Client story: "I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle this," said Sylvia, as she told me about her husband's affair. "Who you think you are isn't strong enough to handle this situation," I said. "But who you really are, is."

Lesson: People who practice self-acceptance are radically honest with themselves. They are willing to be accountable for their part in every situation. They do not hide behind blame, excuses or any other defense mechanisms, because instinctively they know that the truth of who they are is strong enough to face everything. Self-acceptance reveals your inner strengths, and though it sounds counterintuitive, some of these strengths can include being vulnerable, owning your sensitivity, being less independent, listening to feedback, asking for help and opening your heart.

Self-acceptance encourages you to accept your limitations. Without self-acceptance, you see limitations as obstacles; with self-acceptance, you see limitations as opportunities. For example, if you can accept that you aren't strong enough to do something by yourself, an opportunity presents itself for you to receive extra help and inspiration. You free yourself up, see yourself differently and discover a source of strength that is far greater than that of your ego.

Exercise: Self-acceptance gives you a natural confidence that helps you to cultivate your God-given talents and express the bigness of your heart. Paradoxically, the more you practice your self-acceptance, the less your life is "all about me" and the more you open your heart to the world.

Identify five of your most natural strengths and talents. Be honest. Be specific. Don't shrink. Ask a friend for some help if you want some objectivity. Next, score from zero to 100 percent, how much you are using each of these in your life right now. Then, imagine how good your life could get if you committed to these innate strengths and talents more fully.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter.

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#8)

By Robert Holden

Day 8: You Are Blessed

Client story: "I've been looking for love all my life," said Helen, a 50-year-old teacher. "Have you enjoyed the search?" I asked. "I haven't found love yet," she replied. "Do you understand why not?" I asked. "Must be something wrong with me, I guess," she said. "No," I said. "There's nothing wrong with you. It's just that you haven't found yourself yet."

Lesson: When you abandon your Unconditioned Self, you go in search of satisfaction in the world around you. The search can be exciting at times, but it does not lead to lasting fulfillment because the searching means you often leave yourself behind. Ironically, it's only when you stop searching that you find yourself and happiness again. True self-acceptance is the realization that you are what you seek. What you are looking for in the world—love, acceptance, joy, peace—are all qualities of your true nature.

The more you accept yourself, the more abundant you will feel. Like attracts like. When you identify with the inherent happiness of your Unconditioned Self, you attract experiences and people that are entirely compatible with how you feel about yourself. As you increase your self-acceptance, you let yourself accept more happiness, love, peace and abundance.

Exercise: The Latin for the word "accept" is "acceptare," which means "to receive, willingly." The more you accept yourself, the better you become at receiving. Live with this thought today: "Happiness is here, because I am here." Another great affirmation is: "Happiness is where I am."

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter.

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#7)

By Robert Holden

Day 7: Trusting Yourself

Client story: A small-business owner once told me: "I have 100 percent trust: 40 percent trust in fear; 30 percent trust in self-doubt; 20 percent trust in certain failure; 9 percent trust in something going wrong; and 1 percent trust in lots of hope." It reminded me that we always have trust. The important thing is to know where you are placing your trust.

Lesson: Self-acceptance is your home. It is where you return to find yourself again. When self-acceptance is low, you experience a ceaseless anxiety that causes you to doubt yourself, to be indecisive, to wobble, to question everything and to play safe. You search outside yourself for validation, approval and authority.

Self-acceptance helps you increase your overall trust in life. The more you accept yourself, the more you trust your innate goodness, wise heart and natural intuition.

Exercise: The more you accept yourself, the more you trust that life doesn't just happen to you; it happens for you.

Decide to trust in yourself today. Commit 100 percent of your trust to this and see what happens. 

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter.

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#6)

By Robert Holden

Day 6: Abandoning Self-Defeating Behaviors

Client story: "It feels like the world is against me right now," said Jack, a struggling novelist in his late 30s. "I know it feels that way, but it's not the truth," I said. "What is the truth then?" he asked, sounding frustrated. "It's you against you right now, and that's bad enough to make you feel like everyone is against you too."

Lesson: When you identify solely with your ego, you can end up living in your head, feeling distant from your heart and disembodied from your true nature. You then feel an increasing sense of aloneness. You think you're separated from the world, but in fact, you're cut off from your Unconditioned Self. 

Without self-acceptance, you feel exiled from yourself, experiencing the world as an unfriendly universe. Life feels like hard work, a big struggle, with obstacles everywhere. Your ego feels helpless, incapable and ultimately defeated. Only when you make contact with your true nature again will you find clarity, flow and inspiration.

Exercise: Get out a pen and paper and complete the following statement with 10 different responses: "One self-defeating attitude I want to let go of now is..." 

Next, complete this statement with 10 responses: "One self-defeating behavior I want to let go of now is..." 

Examine your answers carefully and commit to clearing at least one block from each list. As you release these inner blocks, the road in front of you will open up. 

"Not in the clamor of the crowded street, not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves, are triumph and defeat," wrote the poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#5)

By Robert Holden

Day 5: Being True to Yourself

Client story: "I want to be unique," said Hayley, a singer in her early 20s. "How are you going to do that?" I asked. "By being different," said Hayley. "There is another way to be unique," I told her. "By being authentic."

When you lack self-acceptance, your personality begins to compare itself negatively with 6 billion other people on the planet. As long as you refuse to love and accept yourself, you will tell yourself that you are not beautiful enough, rich enough, loved enough, lucky enough, successful enough or anything-else enough. No amount of makeovers, reinventions or new beauty secrets will do the trick. Deep down, you'll still feel like a nobody, but only because you are identifying with the self-image rather than with the authentic you.

Exercise: Self-acceptance is an invitation to stop trying to change yourself into who you wish were for long enough to find out who you really are. When you believe in yourself and you are true to yourself, you will experience the miracle of self-acceptance, which reveals just how uniquely beautiful you are.

My all-time favorite prayer is by Macrina Weiderkher, a Benedictine nun. It goes: "O God, help me to believe the truth about myself no matter how beautiful it is!" The more you say this prayer, the more you will experience the beauty of your authentic self. 

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#4)

By Robert Holden

Day 4: Moving Beyond Self-Improvement

Client story: "I'm doing a lot of work on myself," said Sandra. "Do you ever tire of working so hard on yourself?" I asked. "Maybe all this hard work is holding you back. Why not give up working so hard at self-improvement and see what a little self-acceptance does for you. Give yourself a break."

Lesson: It is essential you understand the difference between self-acceptance and self-improvement if you are to discover your real value. Self-acceptance starts with the awareness that you are whole, innately good; lovable just as you are; and endowed with god-given talents and qualities to share with the world. Victor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning, said, "My definition of success is total self-acceptance."

Self-improvement usually starts with the belief that something is lacking in you. Thus, your ego sets about working on itself, proving itself and making itself into "a somebody" that wins admiration and applause. The problem with self-improvement is that you are trying to improve upon a self that you haven't really gotten to know yet. Self-improvement causes you to overlook your true nature. No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance.

Exercise: So often, self-improvement is full of musts, oughts and shoulds. For example, you must buy these jeans or your butt isn't going to look very good. You ought to get eight hours of sleep every night. You should really be more like your overworked, aggressive boss if you are ever going to get ahead at the office. The essence of who you are is already inspiration-packed, wisdom-infused and blessed with talents and gifts. You don't need to build a successful image of yourself. You are already good enough. What would happen if you stopped should-ing on yourself? Can you see that the real you is far better than the one you're trying to sell to world?

Identify one positive action you can take to move away from the image of yourself you think you need to be to simply being the amazing person you already are.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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