10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#3)

By Robert Holden 

Day 3: Loving Yourself as You Are

Client story: "I'm 10 pounds over my ideal weight," explained Mary. "The way I see it, that's not a reason to stop loving yourself," I said. "It's a reason to start loving yourself more."

Lesson: In any given moment, you are either accepting yourself or rejecting yourself. Self-rejection is identifying with your ego more than with your essence. In practice, this means you often say no to yourself. No to your real desires, no to having any needs, no to stopping and relaxing, no to making time for yourself, no to letting yourself be helped and no to loving yourself more. 

As long as you continue to reject yourself, you will live in constant fear of being rejected by others. Out of necessity, you will fashion a persona that tries to be good, not to ask for anything, not to be a burden, to please people and to ingratiate itself wherever possible. This personality type will feel unlovable, no matter how hard you try to love others. The self-rejection causes you to be mean to yourself—no attention, no care, no appreciation and no self-love. 

Exercise: Self-acceptance is love, and your capacity to love yourself determines your capacity to love everyone else. The less you accept yourself, the more you will criticize your friends. 

Try this affirmation today: "I see myself through the eyes of love." If you are like most people, you know exactly what you don't love about yourself, but you're vague and uncertain about the ways that you do love yourself. For example, you could easily write a list of the things you don't like about your body, including the cellulite on your thighs, the size of your feet or the number on the scale, but could you write a list of all the ways you do love yourself? When you see yourself through the eyes of love, everyone in your life will benefit. If your mother had taken better care of herself, would your childhood have been any better? While you can't go back into your past, you can begin to nurture yourself now. 

Write down 10 ways you are not currently being very loving to yourself. Then, go back through your list, take a look at each point and imagine what would happen if you loved every single one of your supposed flaws. Write down exactly how would your life be better and how it would change the lives of the people around you.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#2)

By Robert Holden

Day 2: Practicing Self-Kindness

Client story: "I can't accept myself as I am," said Lilly, a 38-year-old film producer. "I don't think I'm good enough yet." "When will you be good enough?" I asked. "I'm not sure," said Lilly. "If you were willing to accept yourself, you might start feeling good enough now," I said. 

Lesson: Self-acceptance teaches you that you are not who you think you are. You are able to discern between your ego and your Unconditioned Self. Early on, children start to construct a persona to help cope with the demands of being in a family, going to school and facing the world. On close inspection, you find that your persona or ego is made up of judgments about who you are, what is possible, what you deserve and what you don't. These judgments become the lens through which you see yourself and the world. 

For example, Lilly had created a persona commonly described as perfectionistic. This personality type focuses on getting things right and being good. It conceives an ideal self (rather than a real self) that has high standards and stringent rules you must try to live up to. Your persona judges your efforts, and the more you judge yourself, the more you move out of alignment with the innate goodness of your Unconditioned Self. 

Exercise: The more you judge yourself, the less you see who you really are. The habit of self-judgment causes self-denigration in which you belittle yourself, criticize yourself, punish yourself and treat yourself without kindness. The most powerful way to undo the effects of self-denigration is kindness and forgiveness, which restore awareness of your innate goodness. 

Declare today, "I forgive myself for my judgments." Affirm yourself by saying, "I will not criticize myself today." Trust in your goodness. Resolve to treat yourself with kindness.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#1)

By Robert Holden

A Radical 10-Day Plan to Accept Who You Really Are 

Self-acceptance is an invitation to stop trying to change yourself into the person you wish to be, long enough to find out who you really are. Robert Holden has a 10-day plan to help you figure out who this self is that you're supposed to be accepting and how to say yes to your life. 

Do you accept yourself as you are? It's a simple question that many people find difficult to answer. At the deepest level, self-acceptance is either complete or not at all, but for most, yes/no feels too limited because you worry about all the things you would like to change about yourself. 

Take a moment right now to assess where you are on the self-acceptance scale. Over the next 10 days, focus on just one main principle and exercise on the pages that follow. At the end, take the test again to see how much you've grown.

Day 1: Knowing Who You Are

Client story: "Self-acceptance doesn't work for me," said Mary, sounding weary. "I just can't do it." "Why not?" I asked. "Because," she said, pointing at herself, "I don't know who this 'self' is that I'm meant to be accepting."

Lesson: The journey of self-acceptance starts when you acknowledge that you don't seem to know much about yourself. Your personality, or ego, finds it difficult to answer questions like "Who am I?" and "What do I want?" Being asked to describe yourself at a job interview or for a dating agency profile, for instance, can feel excruciating and practically impossible because you haven't really been paying attention. 

True self-acceptance is motivated by the possibility of knowing what your true essence—the Unconditioned Self—is really like. 

Exercise: Self-acceptance is the process of befriending the Unconditioned Self—the part of you that is more than just your name, your history, your story, your failures or your successes. You are more than just your experiences or how other people see you or the clothes you wear. 

Reflect on this today: What is most authentic about you? What do you want people to really know about you? Who are you without your ego? Be still, and really listen to how you answer. Then, write down in your journal the qualities that describe your real, unconditioned self. If you're having a little trouble answering these questions for yourself, try writing a biography of your real self in 100 words. 

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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The Number One Thing to Look for in a Partner

By Karen Salmansohn

The Love Lesson Learned

What's the love lesson learned? One of the top traits to look for in a partner is an appealingly strong character.

Think about it for a moment. Good character values not only come in handy on a day-to-day basis, but during those eventual, inevitable times of conflict.

If you and your partner do not value putting in the effort of acting with strong character values during times of disagreement, disappointment, stress, crisis, temptation, sadness, monetary-challenges, illness, vulnerability, misunderstandings—then your relationship will always suffer!

Indeed, John Gottman, the famed psychologist and researcher who runs The Love Lab, says he can predict how long a couple will last, not by studying how well a couple gets along, but by studying how well a couple doesn't get along. A relationship is only as strong as its weakest link— how a couple handles their challenges.

The good news: If you're involved in what my favorite philosopher buddy Aristotle called a "Relationship of Shared Virtue"—you will both want to deal with conflict by facing up to it with "strong character values" and viewing it as "a laboratory for growth."

Basically, you must accept right here—right now—if you are going to be in happily ever after love, then your relationship must have a duo function.

1. "Den of pleasure"—for fun, companionship, sex, laughter, etc. which you as a human need—so you can keep your soul alive with passion!

2. "Laboratory for growth"—the ultimate place of challenge for your soul to be nurtured to grow—where you inspire one another's "character development"—so you can both grow into your most esteemed selves - which is what Aristotle put forth was what true happiness was all about!

Unfortunately, many people solely view a relationship as a place to experience pleasure—leaving out the soul-ly aspects of love—where you nurture each other to grow!

In fact, when I ask the women I coach to describe what they're looking for in a partner, they always start off listing smartness, sexiness, funniness, and wealthiness! But these are all personality traits—and pleasures of the body and ego —not character values which nurture the soul/core self.

If you want to "live happily ever after in love" you must prioritize finding a man who:

1. Values growing as a person

2. Truly understands a relationship serves the double function of "den of pleasure" and "laboratory for growth"

After all, if your partner doesn't value growth, he won't be ready to deal with non-fun, inevitable conflicts in a high integrity way. As a result, when those aforementioned disagreements, disappointments, stresses, crises, temptations, sadnesses, monetary-challenges, illnesses, vulnerabilities and misunderstandings arise, your relationship will suffer. Or worse, your partner will run for the hills—end of story, end of relationship!

You know what's funny? How we all know that embracing strong character values really does matter in life and love. Yet, our world mostly offers relationship tips like:

"Be more successful!"

"Tighten your buns!"

Nobody ever comes out and says:

"Yo! Value good strong character values in yourself and others!"

Isn't that weird? I suppose that's because it takes more time, effort and patience to work on strengthening one's character values—and to truly understand another person's inner character—than it does to quickly buy a superficial new sexy outfit, or share a leisurely romantic candlelit dinner. Hence why you must prioritize getting to know a guy's inner character up-front—before you drop your guards—or even your panties. Yes, if you want to live happily ever after with a man, it's essential you prioritize strong character values over strong biceps.

Remember: It's called "finding a soul mate" not "finding an ego mate"! And if you're going to connect soul to soul, you must take the time to see your partner's soul and feel safe enough to reveal your own soul. For this feeling of safety to occur, you must trust your partner's integrity. Take the time to find out if your partner values embracing empathy, listening, direct communication, honesty, loyalty and growth. After all, a guy's character will always be the determinant behind his choosing to be naughty or nice—thereby making you feel sad or happy.

Think about all those fabulous Prince Charmings in fairy tales. What makes a Prince Charming truly "Princely"? Prince Charmings are made of good strong character fiber! They're noble, kind and generous with good deeds. Plus, they support a Princess in becoming liberated, so she can venture forth to become her fullest royal potential.

Meanwhile, evil Prince Harmings are just as good-looking, rich and charismatic as Prince Charmings. A Prince Harming's huge difference is the one spotted within his spotty character! Prince Harmings suffer from major character defects which create scenarios to torture and imprison a Princess.

Meaning? Although you might feel as if you're experiencing love at first sight with a Prince Harming, what you're really experiencing is infatuation at first sight—because all you're simply crushing on is this man's superficial self, not his superinsidehim self.

All of this leads me to a very important question: Do you really prefer to place a higher value on a guy's superficial aspects (his sexiness, funniness, smartness, wealthiness) more than you value his superinsidehim self (his character, his soul)?

If so, then there is a big danger you will wind up involved with a guy who's rude, angry, dishonest, disloyal, hurtful, non-communicative, unempathic and selfish! As a result, all of his inner bad qualities will make you feel unhappy, insecure, unsafe, frazzled, neurotic and totally crazy!

All of this reminds me of a funny joke by Woody Allen:

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."

Okay. I admit it. I find this Woody quote funny as hell. But I am here to remind you: Your love life should not be your suffering life! (Oh...and Woody Allen's also wrong about his cooking methods. Woody instructs: "Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.")

Reminder Time: The number one reason to spend time with a guy is that he makes you feel happier and he is improving your life. Not making you more unhappy, insecure, unsafe, or just plain frazzled!

Another way to explain all this is to make the following confession...

Confession Time: I used to look at a cute, funny, charismatic guy and think: "Yum, yum! I want him!" Now I know better. Now I look at loving, happy couples—watch the happy, healthy dynamic between the guy and girl— and think: "Yum, yum! I want that!"

My Lesson/Your Lesson: True love is a that—not a him.

Translation: True love is not a wish list but a "wish feeling." And the number one feeling—even before the feeling of love—is the feeling of safety. Without feeling safe, you will never feel true love. You must have trust in your partner's character and prioritize finding a partner who is honest, communicative, and empathic—someone who values growing—so you can feel safe to vulnerably be your truest core self with him—and then together the two of you can support one another to grow into your best possible selves.

Karen Salmansohn is a best-selling author known for creating self-help for people who wouldn't be caught dead reading self-help. Get more information on finding a loving happier-ever-after relationship in her book Prince Harming Syndrome.

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9 Rules for Life (The Child's Version)

By Leigh Newman

From: Lesson 18: Do Your Eyes Light Up When Your Child Walks in the Room?

Kids, listen up. Leigh Newman shares a little wisdom about multiple-choice tests, stuffed animals and the secret hidden in every box of chocolates.

I am writing to children everywhere, though I am not sure if you even need it. You have access to so much knowledge that I no longer do, for example, how to hide in spots both so obscure and obvious that nobody can ever find you—most especially when it's time to go to school. Or, how to sleep while sitting straight up in the backseat of the car, strapped into a safety contraption that has immobilized even your nose. Or, how to bend the laws of nature and transform the voices of shouting adults into the pleasant, windy roar that lives inside seashells. And yet, there are a few things I feel you should know as you continue on in life, things perhaps the other adults will not tell you: 

1. The Wrong-Looking Correct Answer 

Whether you like it or not, a lot of your life will be determined by multiple choice. There is a secret strategy behind "a, b, c or none of the above." One of the choices is a dummy answer: one designed to look correct even though it is not. This will usually be the first answer you pick. If you immediately eliminate it instead, you will be left with three slightly wrong-looking but closer-to-right choices, significantly improving your chances of success. Once you have mastered this technique during testing, take it with you into the rest of your life. When choosing who you want to be friends with, for example, eliminate the obvious: (a) the one with the flippable hair, lip gloss and cadre of devotees. Go for (b) the girl with the imaginary friend or (c) the boy who professionally tap-dances. These are people waiting for a friend. They have been using that time waiting to think about how to best behave like one. 

2. You Do Not Love Chocolate Milk

One of the biggest mistakes grown-ups make is that they think they love things that can't love them back. You may enjoy chocolate milk or an episode of Dora the Explorer. But you don't love it. You can't call Dora in the middle of the night and ask for her guidance on your math homework, and you can't help Dora either. You can't show up at her door with Kleenex when she is sick or listen to her heartaches regarding the captain of the baseball team. Dora will not be there for you—because she can't. She is not alive. She is 45 minutes of lovely, engrossing television animation. (I know this is confusing now that TV characters speak directly to you, but trust me, they can't hear what you are saying back to them.) The same goes for chocolate milk. It is rich and creamy. It is delicious, but its purpose on the planet is not to help you through a rough day. It's there to fill you up, provide calories and make you a little crazy and giggly due to a completely enjoyable and acceptable sugar high. After that, the relationship is over. Once you understand that love is an exchange between two things that are capable of the emotion—you and a parent, you and a friend, you and a dog or a cat or a gerbil—you can save it for that. As for the rest of the stuff, feel free to take delight in it, but not solace. 

3. The Caramel Is the Square

Some rules in life are very simple. They have no nuance or bigger meaning. And yet you must know them to be happy. Here is one: In any box of chocolates, the caramel is the square. When picking out a candy, you do not need the map on top of the box. You do not need to bite into every piece and examine the center. This is what the other children will be doing—only to end up with the coconut or, worse, the maple cream, while you score the pure, perfect, salty, chewy nugget of goodness. Dive for the caramel. 

4. The Asphalt Fall

The powers that be have somewhat recently layered the playgrounds of America with a thick, cushiony rubber so that when you fall off the climbing wall or the monkey bars or the roof of the playhouse (which, by the way, is clearly marked, NOT FOR CLIMBING) you will not crash to the ground and break your knees and teeth. While this is wonderful—nobody ever talks about the great time they had in the emergency room—it is misleading. The world is full of asphalt, packed dirt and rocky beaches. One day in the future, you will be running in three-inch heels for a bus, and you will slip. You will need to know how to fall without breaking your ankle or wrist. A bike ride on a gravel road can show you how to fall better—as well as how to get back on the bike and keep pedaling, despite the raspberry. 

5. Treat Everybody Like the Kids of Your Parents' Friends 

When it comes to weekends, you will frequently be forced to play with people you don't pick. These are the children of your parents' friends. You will be tossed in a basement with them. You will be shy or confused or have significantly shorter hair or the less-cool jeans. The sound of your parents and theirs laughing will drift down. One of the kids may ignore you and go on watching TV. You may freeze or stutter or even pray. Ultimately, however, you will have to pick up the Lego set and start building a rocket or bounce on the trampoline. Because the point is, you may not like these children, and they may not be your best friends, but you must and will find a way to get along until dessert and coffee. The same holds true for later in life—in the workplace, school or otherwise. There is no one you can't play with for six hours. 

6. The Talent Parade

Everybody has something they can do. Soon enough, the prizes come out. Some kids start winning things. Some kids don't. Many kids stop doing what they don't win at and stick only with the things they do well. There will be the kid at school who draws, the kid who does experiments, the kid who jokes, the kid who lends money, the kid who eats the paper off a straw if you pay him a quarter. You can be these things. Or you can just be the kid who loves his family and his friends. You can be that kid. Nobody will give you a ribbon for it or ask you to stand up so they clap for you at an assembly. But it's enough. 

7. Stuffed Animals Are Too Alive

Yes, they will protect you in the dark. Yes, they will get jealous and hurt if you snub them for Barbie or a robot that shoots real lasers. Hold them tight. Especially on days when the grown-ups decide to throw a yard sale. 

8. Read Out Loud Once a Day

It is an interesting thing. For most of your life, the adults in your house read to you before bed. The ones at school make you sit on the carpet and read to you in class. Then suddenly one day, a teacher shows you how to read. For a year or two, you read out loud to your mom or dad or brother or neighbor or babysitter or anybody you can because the sound of the word—that magical process during which letters become noises and songs and stories—is amazing. Do not lose this. Do not hold the story inside your head where it is only a parade of silent sentences. Read it out loud. 

9. Not Everybody Is Going to Love You

Nobody wants to tell you this because it's basically a flaw in the universe. Everybody is supposed to love you. But sometimes a few people don't. Sometimes these people are kids, and sometimes they are grown-ups or even teachers. You might think that this lack of love is a problem. But the problem comes up only if you run around like a ding-dong trying to make them love you or trying to be what you think they will like in order to get them to love you. This is exhausting and painful. Instead, give up on them. Find the people that do love you—like me. I know I don't count because you don't know me. But, if you are under age 16, I love you. Ask the kids in my Sunday school class. 

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More Than A Shoulder to Cry On

By Lauren Dzubow 

Women are hardwired to crave close friendships, and these bonds can provide us with unique benefits. Here, a few things researchers have recently uncovered about the power of friendships.

The friendship effect: Mountains become molehills 

How it works: In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers asked participants to stand at the base of a steep hill and estimate how tough it would be to climb. Those standing with a friend gauged the ascent to be less steep compared with those who were alone. 

What's more... The longer the study participants had known their friends, the more gentle they estimated the incline to be. 

The friendship effect: Disease becomes less deadly 

How it works: Harvard research has shown that breast cancer patients with no friendship network are four times more likely to die from the disease than those with ten or more close friends. 

What's more... Studies have also shown that social support can lower blood pressure, protect against dementia, and reduce the risk of depression. 

The friendship effect: Stress feels more manageable 

How it works: When women are stressed, their brains release the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which encourages them to bond. (Male brains, on the other hand, are more subject to the effects of the hormones cortisol and adrenaline, which promote the fight-or-flight response.) 

What's more... "The female response is much more effective in mitigating stress and may be one reason women tend to outlive men," says Terri Apter, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Cambridge. 

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Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Women

By Val Monroe

After years of judging her looks, Valerie Monroe finally figures out a way to end the competition.

I grew up with a Barbie doll. Not a toy—a mother. She was a model, raven-haired, green-eyed, statuesque, with unrealistically perfect proportions, but there they were. Like the doll, my mother had an extensive wardrobe; Mom's even included a couple of mother-daughter outfits. Were they fetching? I don't remember. I do remember gazing at the two of us dressed alike: one, a full-blown goddess, larger-than-life, a voluptuous Renoir; the other, a skinny, freckle-faced tadpole, an anonymous, unfinished pencil sketch. It was in the shifting of that gaze—Mom, me, me, Mom—that my comparing mind was born. As far as my appearance was concerned, I was undefined except in relation to another woman. Whereas my mother was full and round and complete, I was thin, angular, inchoate. My mother's hair was wavy and thick, always perfectly coiffed. Mine was straight and fine, my bangs always uneven. Clothes clung languidly to my mother's curves like an exhausted lover. My clothes, like worn-out Colorforms, refused to stick to me; elastic waistbands were sewn into my skirts to keep them from falling down. 

Though today I'm no Renoir, neither do I have trouble keeping my skirts up: It's a 51-year-old body I live in. I've finally matured. But my comparing mind has not. It's stubbornly stuck at 6, and if I were to follow its voice, I would feel once again like a tadpole among women. Though I'm full-grown, in my comparing mind I almost always come up short. So when it clamors to be heard, I listen as I would to a recalcitrant child, and then quiet it. 

Here's what I mean: As I'm walking down a crowded city street, a gorgeous young creature in her thirties, sleek and glossy as a black cat, crosses my path. "Bad luck for you!" cries my comparing mind. "You'll never look like that again! You're old and invisible!" The woman and I are stopped at a curb. Her beauty imbues her with a mild haughtiness. In a regal kind of way, she turns her head in my direction. I catch her eye. 

"You," I say, "are simply magnificent."

The haughtiness vanishes instantly. She's a bit taken aback, momentarily scrutinizes me for motive, sees none apparent, and then smiles her wide (magnificent) smile. "Why, thank you," she says. 

"It's my pleasure to tell you," I say, and it is. Because I not only remember how happy I have felt as the recipient of an authentic compliment, but now I have enjoyed the additional gratification of being able to give one. Though my comparing mind wants to nullify my power and kick me off the playing field because I can no longer compete, the power I have today is irrevocable. After years of passively accepting a definition of beauty other than my own, of striving to be a noticeable object, I've now assumed an active role, too: Appreciator of All Things Beautiful. 

There are several things that recommend the role of appreciator. It's easy to be very busy—at least as busy as one can be striving to be among the appreciated. I've discovered what the smartest men have always known: that women can be lovely in many ways—as many ways, it seems, as there are women. It's easy to be very happy, noticing things to admire rather than looking only for ways to be admired. You know that feeling you get when you see a lush summer garden, abundantly green and fragrant and riotous with blossoms? Does it bother you that you're not as beautiful as it is? No, of course not; it's a garden. Its beauty has nothing to do with you, takes nothing away from yours. In fact, standing in the middle of a flourishing garden, filling your eyes with the deep and impossibly delicate colors, inhaling the odors, sweet and complex, you might feel more beautiful, more precious yourself, marveling at your own ability to perceive it all. That's the way I feel about those women I used to think of as competitors: Their beauty is one more avenue for a rich enjoyment of the world. 

But maybe most important as an appreciator, I'm setting my own standards. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, I won't. I won't compare you—or myself—to anything, not the weather, not our mothers, not that gorgeous creature crossing our paths. Because a thing of beauty needs no comparison, only an eye to behold it. 

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The 5 Heartaches Everyone Needs to Have (Only Once)

By Leigh Newman

Columnist Leigh Newman looks at a few crucial lows that ensure we'll reach the higher, more glory-filled peaks.

1. The Time They Didn't Love You (and You Stuck Around to Make Sure) 

It's one of life's little horrible hangnails that gets infected and gives just about all of us gangrene of the soul. And yet it's inevitable: Not everybody is going to love us. It won't just be the lacrosse player we swooned over in eighth grade who didn't know we were alive, or the soul mate in our 40s whom we dated and thought we'd marry until he explained—ugh, kindly—that he was interested in "something easier." There'll also be all those less-obvious others: the boss who doesn't return our adoration, or the cool, funny mother in the mommy-and-me music class who never asked us to coffee even though we already asked her three times. 

There's no sense to a lopsided affection, and I'm certainly not going to say that the pain created is worthwhile in some cosmic way. It just sucks, but it also just is. The far bigger and more damaging heartache occurs afterward, when you hang around the non-adorers on Facebook, outside their houses, at the cafés they frequent—to find out if they really, truly don't love you or if they'll change their mind, which, unfortunately, they almost never do. They, in fact, will waltz on to new adventures, made uncomfortable by your expectant gazes. But this is an agony you must experience, because while you can't keep your heart from getting broken, you can stop breaking your own heart—over and over into little black bits—once you realize the difference between what you can control and what you can't, and that it's far, far more fun to lavish all that attention on your own self-worth. 

2. The Time You Cast Yourself as the Rock 

Most of life is really just a school play: a bunch of creative, hopeful, almost mature people standing alone, waiting to be told who to be and what to do by a commanding voice in the distant dark of the theater. At least once, most of us will skip the horrors of that audition and cast ourselves as the rock in the background. This decision may be made due to fear ("I'd rather be safe and not-stared-at back here in my cardboard rock costume by the papier-mâché palm tree) or it may be made due to doubt ("I'm not a good enough singer to do a solo"), but either way, it lands you in the same place—crouched in a ball, wearing all gray and watching as somebody else dances and sings under the glory of the stage lights. Worse, the real pain is the understanding that it wasn't the talent of the other kids or the favoritism of the director that put you back there. It was you: You didn't raise your hand and try out. 

Why, God, why is this moment necessary? I'd love to say that it's because we'll remember it when we're later faced with the job-of-a-lifetime interview or the ridiculously handsome (single!) stranger or the coveted nomination for class parent—and thus put ourselves out there this time, boldly and unafraid. That may be true, but it's not the reason why this horrible moment is so wonderfully crucial. When we're crouching there, frozen and unseen, we start naming all the qualities that should have made us a star, and this is the list we must keep with us for the rest of our lives, a list that only comes to us in that moment of self-imposed invisibility. Because paradoxically enough, when we do become the leading lady or man (and we will, eventually, in one kind of situation or another), and after we've been feted and applauded, what usually comes to mind is the list of reasons we should have been stuck back in the background. At that moment, you will have the previous list. Recite it loudly, believe it fully—and take a bow. 

3. The Time You Talked Out Your Tuchis 

My friend Annie walked into a job interview for a marketing position and chatted enthusiastically about touchdowns and shoulder pads, only to find out 15 minutes later that Frankie's Football Company was a soccer ball distributor because Frankie comes from Brazil. Another version: My neighbor Bella chatted to flirty, funny Dan all night about getting together for drinks in the neighborhood, only to find out the next week his name is really Don and he's in AA. The embarrassment, the endless what-ifs that result after such crash-and-burn episodes—some people might say these experiences will teach us to do our research before opening our mouths. Maybe that's true. But mortifications of this sort do have more immediate uses. For example, during the blunder, you might think to yourself, "Oh God, why didn't I do my homework?" Right at that moment, you have the chance to answer that question specifically. Maybe you didn't do it because you were thinking about all the imagined perks (the job, the guy) that might result instead of the reality (this job, this guy). Maybe you were busy thinking about how much this opportunity would please somebody else (mom?). Most times, when you really, really desire something, you'll find it sufficiently engaging to learn the vocabulary and facts needed to at least chat with authority about it—and it won't be homework; it won't even be a labor of love. It'll just be the effortless act of discovering what already fascinates you. 

4. The Time You Tried Mom's Face Cream Before the Dance 

This is a true story. I went to an all-girls school. Even among my own gender, I was not admired or sophisticated or attuned to the ways of womanhood. One Friday night, there was the Snowflake Dance, and, as it happened, I'd read an article in Seventeen (I was 15, of course) about the need to put on moisturizer before applying concealer. That morning, I took my mother's Estée Lauder before-bed cream and rubbed it all over my cheeks and eyes, and then slathered on a number of other seductive-looking, exotic-smelling potions and pigments, all of which caused my skin to explode in hives two hours later. I can't believe I'm saying this, but walking into a gym filled with teenage boys and (much tougher) teenage girls, your face the color and consistency of grated tomato, is a horror everybody should go through. Standing in a corner wanting to die will not make you a strong person. But it will make you realize that regardless of whether you laugh it off or hide or flee the scene, the result will be the same. The guy who's going to like you will laugh with you. The guy who won't will continue to dance with your best friend. No one dance changes much, just as later in life, no one night at a club or a benefit or a college reunion changes much. These are dark, drunken and, for the most part, predetermined events—regardless of the glitter ball and silver balloons. The sooner you bomb out at what you hoped would be the most Cinderella moment in life, the sooner you realize that real fairy tales begin at the dry cleaners or the dog park, places where you might actually meet a dark, handsome stranger and talk to him about what matters—why your mutt, for example, can just be called a mutt instead of shepherd-Lab mix. Because not everything in this life needs an upgrade. 

5. The Time You Said the Totally Wrong Thing 

Your best friend walked down the aisle with a rage-prone, ignorant dippo wearing flip-flops and a Hooters T-shirt...and you said, "Good luck!" Your mom adjusted her cancer wig...and you said, "Think of it like a hat. A hairy hat." Your friend lost her dog, your husband lost his job, your son developed an allergy to wheat, eggs, fruit, milk and chicken...and you said, "It will be all right." All these exchanges have one thing in common: You lay in bed at night afterward, sick with the knowledge that you expressed the last thing on earth that the people who count on you needed to hear. There is no glory in this, but there is valor—and not because you will somehow discover the right words to say later. There are no right words in some situations, and for many of us, moving our mouths into the shape of our thoughts will remain forever impossible. By failing to say the right thing, however, we're forced to rely on other ways of talking: baking the casserole, giving the bath, holding the tissue or picking up the medicine. We are fluent in so many languages, including the one that lets us do the right thing. 

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