Breaking Bad Habit Recipe

You'll need just 5 ingredients for your habit change recipe.

Published on December 28, 2011 by Meg Selig in Changepower

Despite their bad press, New Year's resolutions are surprisingly effective.  So make one!  You can whip up a successful resolution from just 5 simple ingredients.  Moreover, you can combine these ingredients in your own way to create a delicious and satisfying result.  So grab a recipe card or just print out this blog and fill in the blanks.  Here are your 5 essentials for resolution success:

1.  Figure out your goal.  Your goal is WHAT you desire to change.   What would make your life healthier, more enjoyable, more fulfilling, more purposeful, or more connected to the things that are truly important to you?  Find something that excites you.    

You could decide to:

• Clean out one junk drawer as the first step towards a better-organized home.
• Donate blood every 2 months. 
• Practice listening without giving advice or interrupting.
• Walk in place during TV commercials for one program per night.
• Lose 10 pounds in a healthy way.  

Write down your goal here:  _________________.  (Does your goal feel too big and overwhelming?  Cut it down into a series of mini-goals.  The first one could be _____.)

2.  Decide on your motivator.  WHY do you want to change?  I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to have a personal reason for change (your motivator) that you've freely chosen and that is meaningful for you.  When your willpower falters, think about your motivator and get a fresh burst of energy on your change project.

Write down your motivator--your reason for change--here: _____________________.

3.  Make a resolution to change.  Deciding to change may be the key to successful habit change success.  In a study of New Year's resolvers, psychologist John Norcross discovered that people who actively made specific resolutions to change were 10 times more likely to stay on target with their changes 6 months out than were people who wanted to change but didn't make specific resolutions.

Make an inner vow and then write it down:   ______________________.

4.  Make a plan.  HOW will you change?   People who make specific plans are more likely to change successfully than those who don't plan.   After you make your plan, ask yourself, "OK, what will I do differently tomorrow/this week?"  If you can't answer this question, re-do your plan.  Your plan needs to give you specific guidance on getting to your goal.   Ask yourself:  WHO could help me?  HOW could I change my surroundings to bolster my change?

To get to my goal, I will do the following:  ____________________________.

5.  Rebound from relapse with a "growth mindset." What can you learn WHEN you have a setback?  Notice I wrote "WHEN" you stumble, not IF you stumble.  Research shows that slips and even relapses are a part of successful change.  It's the rare person who can change successfully first time around.  Decide how you will encourage yourself WHEN you make a mistake. Self-compassion will help you more than lashing out at yourself with guilt and shame messages.

When I have a setback, I will encourage myself by reminding myself that _______________.  I could also take the following actions to prevent lapses and relapses: _____________________.   When I stumble, I could alter my plan like this:  ________.

OK, so all these steps are more easily written than done. Hey, I promised "simple" and "effective," but I didn't say "quick" or "easy!" Still, now you've got your personal recipe for success on a 4 x 6 card.  Keep it in your purse or pocket.  Practice makes perfect, so REPEAT your success formula over and over. 

Ingredients summary:

• 1 goal
• 1 motivator
• 1 resolution
• 1 plan
• 1 growth mindset

Total time:  One lifetime.

Yield: Stronger willpower, personal satisfaction, health, and happiness.

© Meg Selig.  All rights reserved.

I'm the author of Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success (Routledge, 2009). For entertaining and helpful messages about habit change, willpower, and motivation, follow me on facebook or twitter (@megselig1).

Sources:

• Selig, M. Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success (2009), NY: Routledge.
• "Self-compassion."  Parker-Pope, T. "Well: Go Easy on Yourself, A New Wave of Research Urges." http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?emc=eta1
• Prochaska, J. et al, Changing for Good (1994), NY: Avon.
• "Growth mindset." Dweck, C. Mindset (2006), NY: Ballantine Books.

As copied from Psychology Today.

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Breaking Bad Habits from Your Inner Critic

When it comes to changing, you can be your own worst enemy

Published on November 14, 2012 by Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. in Compassion Matters

"I'm sooo fat," said a small voice from the corner of my bedroom. I peeked my head out from behind my closet door to see who was responsible for the self-deprecating comment. My eyes lowered to behold the frail figure of my 5-year-old niece staring solemnly into my full-length mirror. Comments like these, although draining, have become sadly second-nature coming from adult friends and relatives but coming from a thin, young child, the words were much more unsettling. Surely, no one had ever told her she was fat. So why was she internalizing such mean, not to mention distorted, thoughts?

Though we'd all like to think of childhood as a time in which we are blissfully free of self-consciousness and self-deprecation, this is never the case. Ask any child if he or she ever thinks bad thoughts about him or herself and, I assure you, you'll be shocked to hear the response.

"I'm so ugly. My hair makes me ugly; it's so frizzy and big," a friend's 6-year-old daughter stuttered through giant sobs.

"I'm scared I'm not going to get the answers fast enough. I'm not as smart as the other kids," another friend of mine's 10-year-old son confided in me.

Disturbing as it is to hear our children utter such cruel statements toward themselves, how can we not feel slightly guilty for the example we have set for them? It's painful to recognize how oblivious we can be to our own self-critical attitudes. And our inner critic can be especially cruel when it comes to goals we set for ourselves, habits we want to break, or ways we want to change. As the holiday season and new year approaches, it is invaluable to take the time to look at why we are so self-deprecating and what we can do to rid ourselves of our own distorted self-perceptions. By doing so, we give ourselves the opportunity to differentiate from negative influences from our own pasts and childhoods and to live free from imagined limitations.

Step One: Identifying Our Critical Inner Voices

In my blog "Evicting the Obnoxious Roommate Living in Your Head" I introduced the concept of the critical inner voice, an internalized critic that comments on our every action. These comments are not usually experienced as an actual voice speaking to us but rather as a thought process that casually yet ruthlessly puts us down and sabotages our successes. For example, a person trying to lose weight may hear attacks like, "You're so fat. You'll never lose weight. You should just give up." A person trying to build up the courage to ask someone to go out on a date may hear voices like, "You're such a loser. He/She would never go out with you. Don't even ask; you'll just embarrass yourself."

For 30 years my father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone, and I have studied the critical inner voice and have been amazed at how prevalent it is in people's lives. Most everyone I've encountered has related to the concept of the inner voice and been able to identify how it has interfered with a specific area of their lives.

In order to combat this inner critic, it is essential that you identify it. In what situations does it arise? What actions make it louder? What is your voice telling you about yourself? Your relationships? Your children? Your job?

Does your voice sound mean and angry, directly attacking you like: You're not like other people. You're unattractive. You're stupid. No one will ever really care about you?

Does your voice sound gentle and self-soothing, tricking you with: Don't worry; you're just fine on your own. See? You don't need anybody. Have that second piece of cake. You deserve it. One more drink will make you feel so much better?

The voice can be brutal and obvious but it can also be deceptive and difficult to recognize, as it entices you to act against your goals. But when you do, it then punishes you for the very actions it encouraged you to take.

Think about the situations that provoke your voices. What are the specific things they are telling you at those times? What negative result do these thoughts seem to desire? As you identify these voices, it is helpful to write them down. First, write them in the first person, as "I" statements. For example, you may have thoughts like:

I am never going to get that promotion. 

She's going to leave me. 

I'm a terrible mother.

Then, write these same statements in the second person ("You" statements) as if someone is talking to you. For example, you would write:

You are never going to get that promotion. 

She's going to leave you. 

You're a terrible mother.

This exercise will help you see the voice for what it is, a sadistic enemy, and you can stop regarding these attacks as true statements about who you really are.

Step Two: Countering Our Critical Inner Voice

Once you identify your critical inner voice, you will be better able to combat it. After writing your voices as "you" statements, you can then respond to them from a more realistic and compassionate point of view. For example, you may respond to the above statements by writing things like: 

I may make mistakes once in a while, but I'm working hard and doing a good job. 

I'm not perfect, but I care about my relationship, and I'm a good choice. 

I have a lot of positive qualities as a mother, and I can work on changing anything about myself that I don't like.

The intention of this exercise is not to build yourself up or boost your ego. Rather, it is intended to place you in a more realistic mindset and separate you from the distorted attitudes of your inner critic. In our book, Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, my father and I explain how these voices specifically interfere with various areas of people's lives and present further exercises to help combat these destructive thought processes.

The most powerful way to combat your critical inner voice is with your actions. Try as it may to influence you, you can defeat the voice because you have the ultimate control of your actions. By not heeding its advice and ignoring what it is telling you about yourself and other people, you are evicting your obnoxious roommate and removing it from your life. By taking actions like taking care of yourself, looking your best, staying vulnerable in your close relationships or going after career success you will counter your critical inner voice.

As you make these changes, be wary of the fact that challenging this thought process will initially make the thoughts more powerful. A good way to think of this is to imagine these thoughts as a monster. The more you feed it, the bigger and stronger it becomes. However, if you starve it, the monster at first will become even angrier and will put up a struggle. However, if you continue to ignore and "starve" the monster, gradually it will fade away. The same goes for self-critical thought processes. The more you ignore them, the louder they will roar, but if you stand up to them, eventually they will be defeated.

Copied from Psychology Today.

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Breaking Bad Habits

Prevention and social engineering may help combat bad habits.

Published on November 18, 2012 by Thomas G. Plante, Ph.D., ABPP in Do the Right Thing

The best strategy to break a bad habit such as smoking, eating too much, drinking excessively, gambling, shopping excessively, and so forth is to not develop the habit in the first place! I know...easier said than done but prevention is really the very best way to avoid the formation of bad habits. As problematic habits unfold nipping them in the bud in the spirit of prevention is so very important if you can do it.

However, for so many people the train has already left the station and the bad habit is now fully formed and causing all sorts of troubles and distress. So now what? What do you do once these habits have solidified? Most people rely on willpower and motivation. This is a big mistake in my view since willpower and motivation vacillate and are totally unreliable day to day and over time. We really need to let go of the use of willpower and motivation to deal with long standing bad habits. It just doesn't work for the long term. Rather, we should use social engineering which is a much better strategy for sure. Basically, can you create an environment for yourself that forces you to change behavior for the better? Can you socially engineer your bad habits out of existence?

Let’s take a few examples. Perhaps you are a couch potato and don’t exercise much if at all. If you get an active and fairly large dog that needs to get walks in everyday it will force you to take lots and lots of walks. If you struggle with eating too many problem foods at home you can work to keep the challenging food items out of the house. If you struggle with internet pornography use you can put filters on your computer. None of these solutions are perfect or easy but if you put enough barriers in place (especially those that you can’t dismantle very easily) you are likely to make good progress over time on your bad habits.

The problem with changing bad habits for most people is that they rely way too much on motivation and will power when they should be focusing more on prevention and social engineering strategies. 

So, what do you think? 

Copied from Psychology Today.

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#10)

By Robert Holden

Day 10: Finding Where You Are

Lesson: "This place where you are right now. God circled on a map for you." — Hafiz

The internal obstacles to being yourself are the same as the obstacles to living fully in the world. You negate yourself by telling yourself that your presence doesn't really matter; nobody wants to hear what you have to say; your vote doesn't really make a difference; and other people are somehow more important than you.

Self-acceptance deeply affirms your true essence, wishing you well in every situation you may find yourself. By giving yourself permission to stand in your truth, you can show up more fully in your life. You can take the risk of being you in order to find out who that really is. Self-acceptance allows you to be just yourself. Not your self-image, but the original you that came to be with us here on earth.

Exercise: Self-acceptance is the start of something wonderful. I describe it as a revelation because you can't possibly know beforehand how good your life will get once you start to experience a deep love for yourself, maybe even for the first time. This deep love reveals a perfect wholeness that cannot be destroyed by any experience in this world.

Rejoice in this mantra: "I am here." The more present you are, the more whole you feel inside. Notice how wonderful it feels to be deeply present in your body and in your life. With self-acceptance, you feel at home in your body, an open road appears before you, and a new journey begins.

Now that you've finished the 10-day plan, take the self-acceptance test again to see your progress.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter.

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#9)

By Robert Holden

Day 9: Knowing Your Strengths

Client story: "I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle this," said Sylvia, as she told me about her husband's affair. "Who you think you are isn't strong enough to handle this situation," I said. "But who you really are, is."

Lesson: People who practice self-acceptance are radically honest with themselves. They are willing to be accountable for their part in every situation. They do not hide behind blame, excuses or any other defense mechanisms, because instinctively they know that the truth of who they are is strong enough to face everything. Self-acceptance reveals your inner strengths, and though it sounds counterintuitive, some of these strengths can include being vulnerable, owning your sensitivity, being less independent, listening to feedback, asking for help and opening your heart.

Self-acceptance encourages you to accept your limitations. Without self-acceptance, you see limitations as obstacles; with self-acceptance, you see limitations as opportunities. For example, if you can accept that you aren't strong enough to do something by yourself, an opportunity presents itself for you to receive extra help and inspiration. You free yourself up, see yourself differently and discover a source of strength that is far greater than that of your ego.

Exercise: Self-acceptance gives you a natural confidence that helps you to cultivate your God-given talents and express the bigness of your heart. Paradoxically, the more you practice your self-acceptance, the less your life is "all about me" and the more you open your heart to the world.

Identify five of your most natural strengths and talents. Be honest. Be specific. Don't shrink. Ask a friend for some help if you want some objectivity. Next, score from zero to 100 percent, how much you are using each of these in your life right now. Then, imagine how good your life could get if you committed to these innate strengths and talents more fully.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter.

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#8)

By Robert Holden

Day 8: You Are Blessed

Client story: "I've been looking for love all my life," said Helen, a 50-year-old teacher. "Have you enjoyed the search?" I asked. "I haven't found love yet," she replied. "Do you understand why not?" I asked. "Must be something wrong with me, I guess," she said. "No," I said. "There's nothing wrong with you. It's just that you haven't found yourself yet."

Lesson: When you abandon your Unconditioned Self, you go in search of satisfaction in the world around you. The search can be exciting at times, but it does not lead to lasting fulfillment because the searching means you often leave yourself behind. Ironically, it's only when you stop searching that you find yourself and happiness again. True self-acceptance is the realization that you are what you seek. What you are looking for in the world—love, acceptance, joy, peace—are all qualities of your true nature.

The more you accept yourself, the more abundant you will feel. Like attracts like. When you identify with the inherent happiness of your Unconditioned Self, you attract experiences and people that are entirely compatible with how you feel about yourself. As you increase your self-acceptance, you let yourself accept more happiness, love, peace and abundance.

Exercise: The Latin for the word "accept" is "acceptare," which means "to receive, willingly." The more you accept yourself, the better you become at receiving. Live with this thought today: "Happiness is here, because I am here." Another great affirmation is: "Happiness is where I am."

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter.

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#7)

By Robert Holden

Day 7: Trusting Yourself

Client story: A small-business owner once told me: "I have 100 percent trust: 40 percent trust in fear; 30 percent trust in self-doubt; 20 percent trust in certain failure; 9 percent trust in something going wrong; and 1 percent trust in lots of hope." It reminded me that we always have trust. The important thing is to know where you are placing your trust.

Lesson: Self-acceptance is your home. It is where you return to find yourself again. When self-acceptance is low, you experience a ceaseless anxiety that causes you to doubt yourself, to be indecisive, to wobble, to question everything and to play safe. You search outside yourself for validation, approval and authority.

Self-acceptance helps you increase your overall trust in life. The more you accept yourself, the more you trust your innate goodness, wise heart and natural intuition.

Exercise: The more you accept yourself, the more you trust that life doesn't just happen to you; it happens for you.

Decide to trust in yourself today. Commit 100 percent of your trust to this and see what happens. 

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter.

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#6)

By Robert Holden

Day 6: Abandoning Self-Defeating Behaviors

Client story: "It feels like the world is against me right now," said Jack, a struggling novelist in his late 30s. "I know it feels that way, but it's not the truth," I said. "What is the truth then?" he asked, sounding frustrated. "It's you against you right now, and that's bad enough to make you feel like everyone is against you too."

Lesson: When you identify solely with your ego, you can end up living in your head, feeling distant from your heart and disembodied from your true nature. You then feel an increasing sense of aloneness. You think you're separated from the world, but in fact, you're cut off from your Unconditioned Self. 

Without self-acceptance, you feel exiled from yourself, experiencing the world as an unfriendly universe. Life feels like hard work, a big struggle, with obstacles everywhere. Your ego feels helpless, incapable and ultimately defeated. Only when you make contact with your true nature again will you find clarity, flow and inspiration.

Exercise: Get out a pen and paper and complete the following statement with 10 different responses: "One self-defeating attitude I want to let go of now is..." 

Next, complete this statement with 10 responses: "One self-defeating behavior I want to let go of now is..." 

Examine your answers carefully and commit to clearing at least one block from each list. As you release these inner blocks, the road in front of you will open up. 

"Not in the clamor of the crowded street, not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves, are triumph and defeat," wrote the poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#5)

By Robert Holden

Day 5: Being True to Yourself

Client story: "I want to be unique," said Hayley, a singer in her early 20s. "How are you going to do that?" I asked. "By being different," said Hayley. "There is another way to be unique," I told her. "By being authentic."

When you lack self-acceptance, your personality begins to compare itself negatively with 6 billion other people on the planet. As long as you refuse to love and accept yourself, you will tell yourself that you are not beautiful enough, rich enough, loved enough, lucky enough, successful enough or anything-else enough. No amount of makeovers, reinventions or new beauty secrets will do the trick. Deep down, you'll still feel like a nobody, but only because you are identifying with the self-image rather than with the authentic you.

Exercise: Self-acceptance is an invitation to stop trying to change yourself into who you wish were for long enough to find out who you really are. When you believe in yourself and you are true to yourself, you will experience the miracle of self-acceptance, which reveals just how uniquely beautiful you are.

My all-time favorite prayer is by Macrina Weiderkher, a Benedictine nun. It goes: "O God, help me to believe the truth about myself no matter how beautiful it is!" The more you say this prayer, the more you will experience the beauty of your authentic self. 

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#4)

By Robert Holden

Day 4: Moving Beyond Self-Improvement

Client story: "I'm doing a lot of work on myself," said Sandra. "Do you ever tire of working so hard on yourself?" I asked. "Maybe all this hard work is holding you back. Why not give up working so hard at self-improvement and see what a little self-acceptance does for you. Give yourself a break."

Lesson: It is essential you understand the difference between self-acceptance and self-improvement if you are to discover your real value. Self-acceptance starts with the awareness that you are whole, innately good; lovable just as you are; and endowed with god-given talents and qualities to share with the world. Victor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning, said, "My definition of success is total self-acceptance."

Self-improvement usually starts with the belief that something is lacking in you. Thus, your ego sets about working on itself, proving itself and making itself into "a somebody" that wins admiration and applause. The problem with self-improvement is that you are trying to improve upon a self that you haven't really gotten to know yet. Self-improvement causes you to overlook your true nature. No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance.

Exercise: So often, self-improvement is full of musts, oughts and shoulds. For example, you must buy these jeans or your butt isn't going to look very good. You ought to get eight hours of sleep every night. You should really be more like your overworked, aggressive boss if you are ever going to get ahead at the office. The essence of who you are is already inspiration-packed, wisdom-infused and blessed with talents and gifts. You don't need to build a successful image of yourself. You are already good enough. What would happen if you stopped should-ing on yourself? Can you see that the real you is far better than the one you're trying to sell to world?

Identify one positive action you can take to move away from the image of yourself you think you need to be to simply being the amazing person you already are.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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Bridge of Life

This is one my fave songs. It's an original soundtrack of Happy Feet 2, performed by P!nk. Just listen, and feel the love that'll give you more strength to fight for things you're chasing for.

And listen this one (the single version by P!nk)

Bridge Of Light

When you think
Hope is lost
And giving up
Is all you got,
And blue turns black,
Your confidence is cracked,
There seems no turning back from here

Sometimes there isn't an obvious explanation
Why the holiest stars can feel the strongest palpitations

That's when you can build a bridge of light,
That's what turns the wrong so right
That's when you can't give up the fight

That's when love turns night-time into day,
That's when loneliness goes away,
That's why you gotta be strong tonight,
Only love can build us a bridge of light

When your feet are made of stone
And you're convinced that you're all alone
Look at the stars, instead of the dark
You'll find your heart shines like the sun

Let's not let our anger get us lost
And the need to be right comes with way too high a cost

That's when love can build a bridge of light
That's what turns the wrong so right
That's when you know it's worth the fight

That's when love turns night-time into day
That's when loneliness goes away,
That's why you gotta be strong tonight
'Cause only love can build us a bridge of light

Deep breath, take it on the chin
But don't forget to let the love back in

That's when love can build a bridge of light
That's what turns the wrong so right
That's when you can't give up the fight

And that's when love turns night-time into day,
That's when loneliness goes away
That's why you gotta be strong tonight
'cause only love can build us a bridge of light

Only love can build us a bridge of light...

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#3)

By Robert Holden 

Day 3: Loving Yourself as You Are

Client story: "I'm 10 pounds over my ideal weight," explained Mary. "The way I see it, that's not a reason to stop loving yourself," I said. "It's a reason to start loving yourself more."

Lesson: In any given moment, you are either accepting yourself or rejecting yourself. Self-rejection is identifying with your ego more than with your essence. In practice, this means you often say no to yourself. No to your real desires, no to having any needs, no to stopping and relaxing, no to making time for yourself, no to letting yourself be helped and no to loving yourself more. 

As long as you continue to reject yourself, you will live in constant fear of being rejected by others. Out of necessity, you will fashion a persona that tries to be good, not to ask for anything, not to be a burden, to please people and to ingratiate itself wherever possible. This personality type will feel unlovable, no matter how hard you try to love others. The self-rejection causes you to be mean to yourself—no attention, no care, no appreciation and no self-love. 

Exercise: Self-acceptance is love, and your capacity to love yourself determines your capacity to love everyone else. The less you accept yourself, the more you will criticize your friends. 

Try this affirmation today: "I see myself through the eyes of love." If you are like most people, you know exactly what you don't love about yourself, but you're vague and uncertain about the ways that you do love yourself. For example, you could easily write a list of the things you don't like about your body, including the cellulite on your thighs, the size of your feet or the number on the scale, but could you write a list of all the ways you do love yourself? When you see yourself through the eyes of love, everyone in your life will benefit. If your mother had taken better care of herself, would your childhood have been any better? While you can't go back into your past, you can begin to nurture yourself now. 

Write down 10 ways you are not currently being very loving to yourself. Then, go back through your list, take a look at each point and imagine what would happen if you loved every single one of your supposed flaws. Write down exactly how would your life be better and how it would change the lives of the people around you.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#2)

By Robert Holden

Day 2: Practicing Self-Kindness

Client story: "I can't accept myself as I am," said Lilly, a 38-year-old film producer. "I don't think I'm good enough yet." "When will you be good enough?" I asked. "I'm not sure," said Lilly. "If you were willing to accept yourself, you might start feeling good enough now," I said. 

Lesson: Self-acceptance teaches you that you are not who you think you are. You are able to discern between your ego and your Unconditioned Self. Early on, children start to construct a persona to help cope with the demands of being in a family, going to school and facing the world. On close inspection, you find that your persona or ego is made up of judgments about who you are, what is possible, what you deserve and what you don't. These judgments become the lens through which you see yourself and the world. 

For example, Lilly had created a persona commonly described as perfectionistic. This personality type focuses on getting things right and being good. It conceives an ideal self (rather than a real self) that has high standards and stringent rules you must try to live up to. Your persona judges your efforts, and the more you judge yourself, the more you move out of alignment with the innate goodness of your Unconditioned Self. 

Exercise: The more you judge yourself, the less you see who you really are. The habit of self-judgment causes self-denigration in which you belittle yourself, criticize yourself, punish yourself and treat yourself without kindness. The most powerful way to undo the effects of self-denigration is kindness and forgiveness, which restore awareness of your innate goodness. 

Declare today, "I forgive myself for my judgments." Affirm yourself by saying, "I will not criticize myself today." Trust in your goodness. Resolve to treat yourself with kindness.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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10-Days-Plan to Crack Open Your Life (#1)

By Robert Holden

A Radical 10-Day Plan to Accept Who You Really Are 

Self-acceptance is an invitation to stop trying to change yourself into the person you wish to be, long enough to find out who you really are. Robert Holden has a 10-day plan to help you figure out who this self is that you're supposed to be accepting and how to say yes to your life. 

Do you accept yourself as you are? It's a simple question that many people find difficult to answer. At the deepest level, self-acceptance is either complete or not at all, but for most, yes/no feels too limited because you worry about all the things you would like to change about yourself. 

Take a moment right now to assess where you are on the self-acceptance scale. Over the next 10 days, focus on just one main principle and exercise on the pages that follow. At the end, take the test again to see how much you've grown.

Day 1: Knowing Who You Are

Client story: "Self-acceptance doesn't work for me," said Mary, sounding weary. "I just can't do it." "Why not?" I asked. "Because," she said, pointing at herself, "I don't know who this 'self' is that I'm meant to be accepting."

Lesson: The journey of self-acceptance starts when you acknowledge that you don't seem to know much about yourself. Your personality, or ego, finds it difficult to answer questions like "Who am I?" and "What do I want?" Being asked to describe yourself at a job interview or for a dating agency profile, for instance, can feel excruciating and practically impossible because you haven't really been paying attention. 

True self-acceptance is motivated by the possibility of knowing what your true essence—the Unconditioned Self—is really like. 

Exercise: Self-acceptance is the process of befriending the Unconditioned Self—the part of you that is more than just your name, your history, your story, your failures or your successes. You are more than just your experiences or how other people see you or the clothes you wear. 

Reflect on this today: What is most authentic about you? What do you want people to really know about you? Who are you without your ego? Be still, and really listen to how you answer. Then, write down in your journal the qualities that describe your real, unconditioned self. If you're having a little trouble answering these questions for yourself, try writing a biography of your real self in 100 words. 

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. 

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The Number One Thing to Look for in a Partner

By Karen Salmansohn

The Love Lesson Learned

What's the love lesson learned? One of the top traits to look for in a partner is an appealingly strong character.

Think about it for a moment. Good character values not only come in handy on a day-to-day basis, but during those eventual, inevitable times of conflict.

If you and your partner do not value putting in the effort of acting with strong character values during times of disagreement, disappointment, stress, crisis, temptation, sadness, monetary-challenges, illness, vulnerability, misunderstandings—then your relationship will always suffer!

Indeed, John Gottman, the famed psychologist and researcher who runs The Love Lab, says he can predict how long a couple will last, not by studying how well a couple gets along, but by studying how well a couple doesn't get along. A relationship is only as strong as its weakest link— how a couple handles their challenges.

The good news: If you're involved in what my favorite philosopher buddy Aristotle called a "Relationship of Shared Virtue"—you will both want to deal with conflict by facing up to it with "strong character values" and viewing it as "a laboratory for growth."

Basically, you must accept right here—right now—if you are going to be in happily ever after love, then your relationship must have a duo function.

1. "Den of pleasure"—for fun, companionship, sex, laughter, etc. which you as a human need—so you can keep your soul alive with passion!

2. "Laboratory for growth"—the ultimate place of challenge for your soul to be nurtured to grow—where you inspire one another's "character development"—so you can both grow into your most esteemed selves - which is what Aristotle put forth was what true happiness was all about!

Unfortunately, many people solely view a relationship as a place to experience pleasure—leaving out the soul-ly aspects of love—where you nurture each other to grow!

In fact, when I ask the women I coach to describe what they're looking for in a partner, they always start off listing smartness, sexiness, funniness, and wealthiness! But these are all personality traits—and pleasures of the body and ego —not character values which nurture the soul/core self.

If you want to "live happily ever after in love" you must prioritize finding a man who:

1. Values growing as a person

2. Truly understands a relationship serves the double function of "den of pleasure" and "laboratory for growth"

After all, if your partner doesn't value growth, he won't be ready to deal with non-fun, inevitable conflicts in a high integrity way. As a result, when those aforementioned disagreements, disappointments, stresses, crises, temptations, sadnesses, monetary-challenges, illnesses, vulnerabilities and misunderstandings arise, your relationship will suffer. Or worse, your partner will run for the hills—end of story, end of relationship!

You know what's funny? How we all know that embracing strong character values really does matter in life and love. Yet, our world mostly offers relationship tips like:

"Be more successful!"

"Tighten your buns!"

Nobody ever comes out and says:

"Yo! Value good strong character values in yourself and others!"

Isn't that weird? I suppose that's because it takes more time, effort and patience to work on strengthening one's character values—and to truly understand another person's inner character—than it does to quickly buy a superficial new sexy outfit, or share a leisurely romantic candlelit dinner. Hence why you must prioritize getting to know a guy's inner character up-front—before you drop your guards—or even your panties. Yes, if you want to live happily ever after with a man, it's essential you prioritize strong character values over strong biceps.

Remember: It's called "finding a soul mate" not "finding an ego mate"! And if you're going to connect soul to soul, you must take the time to see your partner's soul and feel safe enough to reveal your own soul. For this feeling of safety to occur, you must trust your partner's integrity. Take the time to find out if your partner values embracing empathy, listening, direct communication, honesty, loyalty and growth. After all, a guy's character will always be the determinant behind his choosing to be naughty or nice—thereby making you feel sad or happy.

Think about all those fabulous Prince Charmings in fairy tales. What makes a Prince Charming truly "Princely"? Prince Charmings are made of good strong character fiber! They're noble, kind and generous with good deeds. Plus, they support a Princess in becoming liberated, so she can venture forth to become her fullest royal potential.

Meanwhile, evil Prince Harmings are just as good-looking, rich and charismatic as Prince Charmings. A Prince Harming's huge difference is the one spotted within his spotty character! Prince Harmings suffer from major character defects which create scenarios to torture and imprison a Princess.

Meaning? Although you might feel as if you're experiencing love at first sight with a Prince Harming, what you're really experiencing is infatuation at first sight—because all you're simply crushing on is this man's superficial self, not his superinsidehim self.

All of this leads me to a very important question: Do you really prefer to place a higher value on a guy's superficial aspects (his sexiness, funniness, smartness, wealthiness) more than you value his superinsidehim self (his character, his soul)?

If so, then there is a big danger you will wind up involved with a guy who's rude, angry, dishonest, disloyal, hurtful, non-communicative, unempathic and selfish! As a result, all of his inner bad qualities will make you feel unhappy, insecure, unsafe, frazzled, neurotic and totally crazy!

All of this reminds me of a funny joke by Woody Allen:

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."

Okay. I admit it. I find this Woody quote funny as hell. But I am here to remind you: Your love life should not be your suffering life! (Oh...and Woody Allen's also wrong about his cooking methods. Woody instructs: "Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.")

Reminder Time: The number one reason to spend time with a guy is that he makes you feel happier and he is improving your life. Not making you more unhappy, insecure, unsafe, or just plain frazzled!

Another way to explain all this is to make the following confession...

Confession Time: I used to look at a cute, funny, charismatic guy and think: "Yum, yum! I want him!" Now I know better. Now I look at loving, happy couples—watch the happy, healthy dynamic between the guy and girl— and think: "Yum, yum! I want that!"

My Lesson/Your Lesson: True love is a that—not a him.

Translation: True love is not a wish list but a "wish feeling." And the number one feeling—even before the feeling of love—is the feeling of safety. Without feeling safe, you will never feel true love. You must have trust in your partner's character and prioritize finding a partner who is honest, communicative, and empathic—someone who values growing—so you can feel safe to vulnerably be your truest core self with him—and then together the two of you can support one another to grow into your best possible selves.

Karen Salmansohn is a best-selling author known for creating self-help for people who wouldn't be caught dead reading self-help. Get more information on finding a loving happier-ever-after relationship in her book Prince Harming Syndrome.

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